From the Files of “I Can’t Make This Stuff Up”

MADISON, Wis. – A Madison man has won his fight to wear a pasta strainer on his head for his driver’s license photo.The state wasn’t too keen about Michael Schumacher’s desire to wear the colander on his head for the photo. Schumacher got an attorney involved and the state granted his request, but told him to tip the strainer back so his full face could be seen.

Schumacher’s attorney, Derek Allen, says it’s a First Amendment issue because it involves the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He says similar cases have been resolved in favor of Pastafarians in Utah, Texas and Massachusetts.

Allen says it’s not up to the government to decide what qualifies as a religion.

strainer

Personally, I’m just beyond grateful that when I decide to wear one in my license photo, it will be available in my favorite color.

via Pasta strainer head gear OK for Wis. driver’s license | KARE11.com.

Minneapolis, MN…a local man has started a Go Fund Me page for Kanye West, because that poor, tortured soul is in debt to the tune of $53 million, and can’t someone help a starving artist out please? Clearly Kanye’s rant to Mark Zuckerberg on Twitter to bail him out by sending $1 Billion to him didn’t work (because we all know $60 or 100 million just clearly wouldn’t have been enough to clear that pesky little debt). In 4 days the page has raised an amazing $5,000. Now out of curiosity, an only for that reason, not because I give a crap, I googled Kim Kardashian’s net worth. It’s over $300 million.  For the love of God, people, shouldn’t a wife help her husband? For richer or poorer and all that? And can someone please make the Kardashians go away? I promise I’ll try to avoid ever writing about them again. Unless they give me fodder for a story, then all bets are off.

With a nod to Engvall, White, Foxworthy and the Cable Guy (does he even have a last name 🙂 ?) Here’s your signs…because in Minnesota, apparently even two signs aren’t enough to warn some motorists that you shouldn’t drive your vehicle onto the ice. Costs to recover a vehicle range from $1500-$5000, and of course the vehicle is a total loss.

And from around the country, Coach fired for spanking his rookies too hard. Is THAT what they’re calling it now [insert inappropriate snort, chortle and uncontrollable laughter here] as I’m thinking, I mean really, do we need to be discussing this in the press? Then I realized it was about hazing practices, and yes, we probably do, because there’s no place for that. But it was funny when I thought it was a new euphemism for, well, you know….

Conspiracy Theorists – oh boy, here they go again. Apparently the little beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey wasn’t murdered in the basement of her parents home, and the body in the basement wasn’t real, because she has grown up to become….wait for it….yep, Katy Perry! I can’t help but wonder who they speculate were the real parents of Donald Trump?  (Oh, come on. Don’t tell me it hadn’t crossed your evil and twisted minds for two seconds too! And you might as well admit it, it is funny.)

Happy weekend all!

Walking Will Kill You

There must be some sort of conspiracy out there, it’s the only explanation I can come up with. Our healthcare experts tell us we need 10,000 steps a day, we have apps, bands and trackers galore to ensure we get there, and yet I see things around me that make me fairly certain it’s a bad idea. What other explanation could there be?

Yesterday at a large big box store, on a lovely sunny day, an otherwise healthy man in his 40’s took his purchases from his cart and put them into his car, got into his car and drove off, leaving the cart in the middle of the stall next to where he was parked. He could have pushed the cart 10 feet away onto a sidewalk, or 30 feet to the cart corral, but he didn’t. He just left it there, taking up a parking space. It got me to thinking (after a few choice curse words in my head), why did he do that? Ah, the dreaded “If I walk a few extra feet out of my way, I’ll die, disease”, of course!

Look around next time you’re out, I’ll bet you see more than a few people that do that. They won’t take the cart back to the cart corral, but they will sure swear up storm if their old POS car gets another scratch because “some lazy SOB left a cart where it shouldn’t have been!”

Then there are the ones that just have to have that parking spot that is three slots closer, and they will wait…and wait…and wait…while the kid with the shiny new driver’s license and mom’s car is backing out alone for the first time, scared to death and moving 2 mph. Meanwhile no one can get by, tempers flare, all because someone didn’t want to walk an extra 30 feet. Really? Because walking will kill you, of course! Doesn’t everyone know that?

Under their clothes are they like the wicked witch of the West, made of sugar and will melt in the rain? Ohh, look, it’s sprinkling and all that’s left of the chick with the stick straight, shiny hair is her push up bra and flip flops. Remember Kathy Bates’ character of Evelyn in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes” when she yells “Tawanda”? There is this little voice in my head hollering “serves you right for always using a flat iron on your hair and wearing a wonder bra!”

I have a good friend who uses the phrase “karmic kickback” and I imagine that one day the gentleman (and I use that phrase loosely) who left the cart in the parking stall will come back to a store, in the rain, and find the spot he wants blocked by a cart, forcing him to walk farther. If Karma is doing her job, he will have forgotten his umbrella, his raincoat, and the wind will be blowing. And as he runs to the store, someone will come along driving a smidge too fast and hit that big puddle in the road at just the right speed, making a big splash. On him.

Shiny! (Thanks, Joss Whedon.)

Putting on My Big Girl Pants…

As I now must admit I’ve passed one milestone in my life and have a nodding acquaintance with middle age, and am approaching another as I near completion of my studies in graduate school – finally! – it’s time to start doing some of the things that I’ve either said I would, or have envied others for doing. Improve my photography skills enough to win local awards, and perhaps be published; not miss sending anyone a birthday card all year long (no, really!); start my novel;  write a blog (thank you Diane Henders, for a little push, and a lot of inspiration.)

It’s been an interesting life so far, and boy am I going to have fun just making it get better and better!