I Ain’t Afraid of No…or Maybe I Am

The older I get the less fond I am of being frightened. I never liked scary movies all that much when I was younger, and time hasn’t mellowed me. I’m not like my niece who used to like to watch them with her girlfriends in high school and just closed her eyes at the really scary bits. My brain is just a little TOO good at filling in the blanks and I can imagine quite creatively, thank you very much. I don’t like haunted houses either. My neighbor loves them and each year has tried to convince me to go along with her to the one in our town for Halloween, but I just can’t do it.

I don’t know what it is, but the adrenaline rush just does nothing for me. If I need that, I’ll go bungee jumping or sky diving (never done either of those things either, by the way!) I’m perfectly fine being mellow and relaxed. Maybe it’s because I scare too easily.

Frequent scene in our house: Me, walking around, minding my own business, perhaps it’s evening, the house is darkish. I walk out of a room and BAM. Husband is  RIGHT THERE, arriving in stealth mode and scaring me to death. After he’s stopped laughing, he helps me up off the floor. It’s a scene we’ve repeated so often that he’s finally learning to make noise as he approaches.  Why would anyone voluntarily go through that? I don’t get it. (insert big shudder here.)

So now we come to the holiday that is dedicated to the pursuit of scaring, and ghoulies and goblins. Of fear and fright, of superstition and ghosts, witches and warlocks. I’m pretty sure that Karma is going to get me really good one of these days, because while I hate being scared, I get a perverse pleasure in watching someone else jump. It’s really funny. Go to You Tube and look up DTWS Season 19 Halloween Scares if you don’t believe me, or check this link: Scaring Remini.  Kudos to Leah Remini for not using some of the words she could have, and to Tom Bergeron for proving he is still the best host on live TV when he quipped “there were 7 words she could have used but didn’t”, which I’m pretty sure is a reference to George Carlin’s “7 dirty words you can’t say on television”.  But if anyone does that to me, I’m pretty sure I’ll use at least one of those 7 words, on television or not!

Last year we decided to add a skeleton to the decorations, and picked up a pirate costume for him, because doesn’t everyone have a pirate skeleton in their closet? As you can see, at least one member of the household felt quite unafraid…


Next year the plan is to add a little creativity and motors, and try to get him moving, maybe spook the kiddies a little. Not a lot, I don’t want to terrify them, but a little. We’ll have the COOL house. I can hear it now.

“Hey, did you go to that house on the other street with the sweet pirate? ” “No, which one?” “Oh, man, you have to go. It’s standing on a ship’s deck, moving back and forth, they have fog, and a black light, and scary music, and cobwebs, it’s awesome!” (What words do kids use now? Righteous? Wicked? I’m old, I don’t know.)  I just know we want to have our fantastic pirate out there, moving around like he’s steering a ship, and with a little luck maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure out a way to have an occasional spider, or black cat or something, lunge out. But only at the teenagers, because if you’re that old and still trick or treating, then evil me says you probably should expect the unexpected. Look at the bright side: it’s still a lot nicer than a friend I had who goes all out for Halloween. He spends weeks decorating his house and yard with tombstones and small fencing to make it look like a graveyard, lit up bones, lighted eyes in the trees, dripping blood candles. He even has a flaming pumpkin each year, which he does by soaking a roll of toilet paper in lamp oil for about a week before Halloween, then after he carves the pumpkin he puts the roll in the pumpkin and lights it on fire. He tells me it’s fantastic. I’ve never seen it, and husband refuses to allow me to do one here. I don’t understand why not, particularly when said husband is a certified firebug, but that’s another story.

One year my friend got the whole set up done, lights lit up, then dressed up and wrapped himself in a black cloak with a hood that covered him completely, and added long black gloves. He sat slumped in a chair next to their sidewalk looking like he was a stuffed dummy, and as kids walked up to the house, he randomly reached out and grabbed and arm. Scared the crap out of them, probably made at least one or two cry.

I won’t go that far. But I sure would have laughed if I’d have seen it.


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